Kathy Lette: ‘Impaling enemies on the end of your pen is so satisfying’

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Kathy Lette: ‘Impaling enemies on the end of your pen is so satisfying’

By Kathy Lette

What is the collective noun for scribes? A “seething resentment”? A “remainder”? A “borrow”? A “shelfie”?

I’ve been writing novels for more than 40 years. I’ve fictionalised every stage of my life, from puberty blues to menopause blues. Having pretty much invented “chick lit” and “mummy lit”, I’ve concocted a new genre for women over 50. I call it “I-don’t-give-a-shit-lit”.

I once had a glowing review printed on a T-shirt and wore it for weeks, says Kathy Lette.

I once had a glowing review printed on a T-shirt and wore it for weeks, says Kathy Lette.Credit:iStock

This category is the antithesis of Anita Brookner-type novels where older women wilt with loneliness, die forlorn and finally get eaten by their cats. If a woman is healthy in middle age, then she’ll probably live to 96, which means there are a hell of a lot of experiences still to be had – and the witty, gritty and life-affirming I-don’t-give-a-shit-lit will encourage women of a certain age to go forth and be fabulous.

Writing is the most rewarding profession. Firstly because it’s so much cheaper than therapy. If I couldn’t exorcise my demons on the page, I’d be a permanent resident of Couch Canyon. And so, having penned 20 books, published in 17 languages (I’m afraid that dropping your own name is an occupational hazard!), what are my top tips for budding authors?

Well, if only you could be strapped into a publishing simulator to experience the terrors and thrills to see if you have what it takes. Because the list of requirements for authors is gruelling: the honing of cheerfulness to chat-show perfection; the haemorrhaging of charisma at book signings; the psychotic episodes which accompany trying to finish your comic masterpiece after you have stopped finding it funny. (Satires are like sausages – you really don’t want to know what goes into making them, but creating one can sometimes prove as much fun as removing your own appendix with barbecue tongs.)

“Writing is the most rewarding profession. Firstly because it’s so much cheaper than therapy.”

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There are also quite a few technical terms you will need to master. Did you know, for example, that a “brontosaurus” is an anthology of works by English 19th-century sister authors?

You’ll also need to strap on a bulletproof bra because criticism is relentless. If there were Olympic Games for hypocrisy, writers would win Gold. A glowing review, and we’re sycophantic in our praise – “Critics! So perspicacious! Such intellectual discernment!” Grateful feelings explode in you like champagne. I once had a glowing review printed on a T-shirt and wore it for weeks. Hell, I had to be restrained from getting it tattooed on my forehead.

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But when we authors get a bad review, critics become no better than pond scum. “Critics! Ugh!” we whine. “Cyborgs that eat human flesh are less alien than bloody book reviewers!” Thoughts of murder cross your mind. The only thing that stops you is the hideously unflattering prison uniform. Although, after a drink or two, you find yourself pondering the fact that at least the stripes on prison uniforms are vertical, which makes them wonderfully slimming.

When you bump into a critic who has savaged your work, a couple of responses will occur to you simultaneously: (1) Why can’t you see his lobotomy scar? And (2) How the hell does she fit her cloven hooves into those Prada shoes? My best advice is to simply shake the critic’s hand, mumbling, “It’s really brave of you to risk touching me … after my diagnosis.”

“You’ll also need to strap on a bulletproof bra because criticism is relentless.”

Book tours are an exercise in humiliation. For weeks on end you’re required to sit on sofas and answer inane questions like, “Where do you get your ideas?” And, “Would you read my manuscript?” And, “What inspired you to write this comic novel?” (Answer: the Taxation Office. I thought I’d laugh my way to the bank.)

But book festivals are a joy. The women readers I meet at my events are always so friendly, funny, witty and wise. It’s not just immensely flattering, but it also warms my cockles to know that I’ve been able to bring little joy and laughter into their lives. If only critics would accept that literature can be profound, but also pleasurable; an experience which lifts the spirits while engaging the mind.

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So, wannabe authors, if you have a story to tell, pick up your pen and get scribbling. It’s worth it for the poetic justice alone: impaling enemies on the end of your pen is so satisfying.

Best of all, most people only get to have the last word on their epitaph. But writers get to have the final say with every novel: The End. Oh, and if you don’t like my books or these tips, please address your criticisms to my non de plume – Sue Donym.

To read more from Sunday Life magazine, click here.

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